I’ve found Jesus
The following is is my story of of Finding Christ
Seems he wasn’t lost however, just really busy.
So I was at this bookstore perusing the self-help section looking for a book on the top 10 ways to commit suicide, when I happened to look across the room and what did I see? Winnie the Pooh giving autographs in the childrens section. So I went over to say hello and get his autograph.
After he threatened to scream rape if I don’t get off his lap, I wandered over by the Alternative Philosophy section. Two aisles over I see this figure that looks strangely familiar. I couldn’t place it at first, I was hoping it was Tigger but no luck, after a few moments I realized it was Jesus. A little disappointing at first but then I thought “Hey, he’s kinda famous too, I should get His autograph” besides, he wasn’t surrounded by screaming brats insisting on Their turn to sit on his lap for a story, so I thought I may have a shot here.
As I crawled over on hands and knees, to avoid the security guard who was looking for me, I noticed Jesus was fairly engrossed in something. He had a beautifully bound copy of the Quran and seemed to be rather deep in thought over it so I slipped behind a book-cart to watch and wait. I sat there for about an hour, thumbing my way thru an interesting little book titled “Lesbians trapped in mens body’s and the Psychatrists that love them” when I saw he suddenly disappeared. It took me a few moments to realize he had ducked down and seemed to be looking for his contact lense or something.
Turns out it he wasn’t looking for his lens, someone explained to me later that it’s a Muslim prayer thing they do 5 times a day, WOW that’s alot. I didn’t Know that at the time so I slithered, umm, slipped,urr, I made way over in an unobtrusive manner, to help him look for his non-existent contact lens. As I was looking around I got distracted by this book cover on Transcendental Meditation, I swear this 8 legged techni-color character on the cover was nekkid, though you had to squint to see the good parts.
While I was distracted Jesus had gotten up and started for the register. I hurried to follow, I had some questions that I was dying to ask but my zipper was stuck so he got out the door before I could catch him.
Once I managed to duck security, that’s a story all in it’s own, I rushed out the door and saw Jesus starting a cab. Well, I thought it was him at first but then I realized it was different Middle-Eastern fellow who has a restraining order against me. The 9-mm glock in one hand and the copy of the restraining order in the other cleared up my mistake right quickly.
That story I can’t tell, part of the “Gag order” but I can say that after 9/11 I was trying to “show some love” to a rather nice Middle-Eastern cab driver to show that not all Americans think their terrorists and there was a misunderstanding involving a can of Redi-Whip and an egg-beater.
So as I’m backing away slowly out of the corner of my eye I see Jesus down on the corner looking my way. When I turned in his direction he ran. I took this as some philosophical lesson on how so many are chasing after Jesus in their spiritual lives and went along with it.
Six blocks and a near coronary later I spotted him ducking into a Star-Bucks. I waited under a parked car for him to “Rise Again” from the Star-Bucks, I am currently banned from that particualr establishment over an incident I can’t even mention “under penalty of death”.
There I lay prostrate and humble under this Caddilac Escalade, contemplating the questions I have for Jesus, not least of which is why did God invent so many Douche-Bags who think a white-boy owning an Escalade with “spinner” hubcaps makes them appear “down with the homies”.
Seems I dozed for awhile and when I awoke, I was being dragged out by two police offers who kept asking me where my pants were. I tried to explain I was Born nekkie, bloody and screaming so it only seemed reasonable to be Re–born the same. Their still waiting for the test results on all the blood to come back but I assure you it wasn’t human.
While we chatted about this, Jesus began to speak in tongues to distract them. Eventually they tried to flag down the cab driver from before, such profiling in Law Enforcement is terrible. He sped off the moment he saw me though which earned me a few hard stares from the officers.
After awhile though they let me go, after finding my pants and having me promise to keep them on. Before they let me leave Jesus had a request though. As the two fine officers held my arms, so I wouldn’t fall and hurt myself I assume, Jesus “Laid Hands Upon” this poor sinner and “Saved” me.
It was quite the experience, though I don’t recall much other than Jesus shouting something to the heavens and drawing back just before I saw “God” and a moment later went into convulsions from the electrical charge of spiritual energy flowing through me.
I awoke several hours later in a dumpster with my left eye swollen shut, I must have hit it on something while thrashing about on the ground in a religious fervor the Officers could’t contain. Jesus even left his “Mark” upon me, two small roundish dots in my flesh, that everyone keeps trying to tell me are “tazer” marks, but I know their just jealous.
So yes, Jesus is alive and well and walking the earth posing as a Muslim, I’m not sure if it’s to keep from being mobbed by by the Faithful or if he’s trying to convert them, but he is here among us.
I would love to continue my story of Faith and Re-birth but the sherriff is as at the door with another one of those silly “warrant” things. Perhaps later after my “special class” on approriate and inappropriate “touching”, if they let me out in time anyway.