Issues? I has’m

Everyone has issues, things that mess them up. What they are is secondary to how we deal with them. For the moment I’m going to focus on my anger issues.

I’ve seen, heard, experienced and in some cases done terrible things. Some I have mentioned some I might still and some stay with me to the grave. I have personaly known hundreds of poeple in my life. Friends, lovers, fellow Faithful in the various Paths I’ve walked and I have had things shared with me by them that would send some people straight to the nearest liqour cabinet.

I have enough stories stored in my mind to keep a team of shrinks busy for years. Between my own and everyone elses I’m sometimes surprised my head don’t explode. I have a thousand reasons to hate the world, but I don’t.

I could at any time have just said “I don’t want to hear it, I have enough shit of my own” but it just never happens. I have had total strangers tell me things they wouldn’t tell their own Priests, yet I listened and nodded and tried to console them if I could.

I’m strange in a way, people often open up to me for some reason, just out of the blue, no idea why but it happens. Some of their stories hurt, some help me heal and others make me want to scream.

This post though, is about “Anger Management Problems”. Yes, I get angry and yes, I have punched a few walls in my day, yes I have had some heavy arguements and even punched a few people in the face. I Had anger management problems as a youth, now I pretty much understand it and for the most part can use my anger in a postive way. Though I still kick a grabage can or two now and again.

For me to get physical against someone takes alot. I have to be threatened or someone I care about threatened there have been times as well where I have attempted to defend total strangers. Defense is a “right now” scenario and I can’t say for sure what I will do or not do untill it happens. In most cases, I am able to get out of the situation or settle it with words. In others I have been forced to physicaly defend myself or someone else. I hate those times.

I won’t lie, there are people I would Love to take a basebal bat after, but I don’t. Partly for moral reasons, partly because I will be sick as a dog for hours after and that is just the beggining.

I detest getting violent, even when I feel I’m in the right. No matter my feelings about hurting someone, no matter how much I believe they deserve it, I will suffer for it mentally, physicaly and emotionally. Much of my moral code is hard-wired into me, I can’t be violent toward someone without paying a heavy price for it.

Well, consensual “sex-games” are another matter, but spanking someone that likes it is completly different than punching a loud mouth in the face at a bar.

Incidents of straight up violence haunt me to this day, even the ones I know I was right for. I can’t help it, my soul will not allow me to become desensitized to it, which I thank God for. I’ve looked in the eyes of hard killers who feel nothing for what they do, it is not an experience I recommend.

To clarify If I can, I don’t always fight. I have stood my ground and took a beating without laying a hand on the one/s kicking my ass on many occasions and been hospitilized more than once for it.

In my youth, even though I suffered for my violence and still do, I was rash and egotistical and believed violence was just something that happens, get used to it .

Over the years I have changed in many ways. I see many things in a different way now but wouldnt change who I was even if I could. To change myself then would alter myself now and I cannot know what damage that could cause.

The violent incidents and the scars and nightmares from them as well as the times running for my life taught me alot about myself. Those times helped shape me today and are still teaching me lessons even now. I don’t mean to say I don’t regret some of it but it’s done and I have to live with it and take what lessons I can.

I used to internalize my pain and anger. It flowed thru me, keeping me warm on cold lonely nights when everyone had turned their backs on me. Now, it often pours out into postive actions.

It does build sometimes and cause me frustration when I can’t find the way to let it out, but at those times, the worst I do is say the wrong thing. I may argue with a friend over something that doesn’t really bother me or some such thing but nothing of a violent nature against anyone.

Everyone does that on ocassion though, bad day, in pain, lack of sleep, people get grouchy and short tempered. The great thing with real friends is they understand, they talk with you about it. Sometimes they even make you lose that frustration right in the middle and have you rolling on the floor laughing, or just hug you until it passes.

I sound like I’m a Raging nut to some poeple with what I say and write but that is just me expressing myself. I do feel rage at many things and speak out passionatly about it, but that is what we Should do. If you never get angry at the injustice in this world your either numb, or a Zen Master.

Using words to let it out and show that you are hurt, angry, frustrated is what we are told to do, by our parents, our teachers, shrinks, on and on “use your words”is the motto. So thats what I try to do. There are times I cannot articulate and sound almost crazy to people though, it’s not a sign that I’m losing it, just too many thoughts clashing at once and my tongue gets tied in knots.

So do I have Anger issues? Don’t most of us? It’s how we deal with them that makes the difference. Everyone gets pissed at some point, it’s what you do about it that defines whether you have a Management issue or not. I did and now I don’t, or at least I don’t think I do, based on what I have read and been told by shrinks on the subject.

I have been informed, more than once, that letting it out the way I try to do in my Blog is the right thing to do. Though there is some grey area there, as I tend to be rather “up-front” in my writing sometimes.

Why all this drivel about myself? Like anyone realy cares? Because I need to do it, it helps me think, helps me find myself and because someone does care and I don’t know how else to explain.

And who knows, maybe someone will see it and some part or another of this post will have them say “yea, I know how that is” and feel a little better that their not alone in their frustrations and their not crazy or irredeemable. They just need to find their “voice”
.

 

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About William

Just a Blogger with too much time to kill. Ranting and Raving about whatever is on my mind when I sit down to type. Politics, Religion, Social issues even Personal crap..errr ...Revelations at times.

Werdz Go Heer

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