Monkey Shines

Making your point and making a complete Jack-ass out of yourself do not always go hand in hand. To be heard, sometimes it’s best if you have a little respect.

Making yourself look like a disrespectful, drugged up, nutjob may impress the lunatic fringe but it quickly alienates those with a properly functioning temporal lobe that may have otherwise sided with you.

Sometimes though, you just gotta cross that line.

I Have done some pretty crazy things that may have blurred the line between passionate advocate and lunatic off his medz a time or two. One such incident involved breaking into an illegal animal testing lab and “liberating” the test subjects.

Ok, me and some other people, while Very stoned, broke into this lab and set a bunch of Monkey’s loose on the streets of Detroit. It was mostly covered up but it was a night many will remember.

“Mad Monkey Mayhem” was tossed about as a headline with a picture of a Chimp in a prison suit “goin over the wall” on the front page, before the Mayor decided it would be best to forget it ever happened. Shame really, but we had the video and it went viral across the “underground”

Were we wrong? Maybe, but we did what we did to save our furry cousins from what can only be described as “Nazi Experiments” A legal battle was going on to prove the illegal experiments were occurring but it was a big money medical outfit running them and they had an army of lawyers.

The “Facility” had been moved a few times making physical evidence almost impossible to find. Paperwork was coded and “eyes only” leaving little on that front to track as well.

The group I was afiliated with had “someone on the inside” but they couldnt risk “blowing their cover” by providing intel to the attorny’s fighting the company. Us finding the place had happened before and they assumed we had them under some kind of surveillance.

They couldnt report their suspicions though, do the fact that when they Did try once before they were questioned heavily on “what would these nutz be watching you for?”

I’m not going to explain how we got past security on the night of the “operation” other than to say, we had a couple of … persuasive… indivduals in the group. Persuasive in a “DD” kind of way. Once in, we headed for the “kennels” dozens of cages with these poor monkeys locked up like death row inmates.


[pictured: agents J & K … not their real names]


Once the guards were unconcsious, did I mention the “rufees?”, our femme fatales joined the rest of us in gathering evidence. We recorded everything we saw and hacked a few computer terminals and copied quite a few files that hadn’t been encoded yet.

Hard evidence in hand we proceeded to the “cells” Unfortunatly the “inmates” were drugged to keep them calm for the night so we had to “pep them up” Anybody remember “Jolt Cola”? it’s like liquid meth in soda-pop form.


[gimme da soda and nobuddy gets hurt]


Six rather stoned individuals all in black, over a dozen chimps, rhesus monkeys and a couple of furry things we Assumed to be monkeys, revved up and ready to go, we got busy. Popping the locks with crowbars, we found the keys it just looked better on camera to “jimmy the locks”, we freed our captive cousins.

Who then proceeded to do exactly what you would expect a bunch of monkeys on legal-liquid-cocaine to do. They tore the bloody Hell out of the place.

Ever seen a hyperactive monkey get it’s first taste of freedom? It’s hilarious, until the shit starts to fly, and I mean Literal Monkey-Shit being flung at the walls, the ceiling, at US !

It took almost half an hour to get them herded toward the nearest “Fire Door” Once open an alarm went off and WOW did they scatter. Little monkeys butts were scootin like you wouldnt believe in All directions.

Don’t worry about traffic, we had the street “detoured” as a precaution. It was a somewhat rundown “industrial” location with no activity at night fortunatly. So noone saw us either.

The original plan was get them into a box truck, take them to another location that had been set-up to temporarily house them and hand everything over to the lawyers fighting for them.

The best laid plans right?

We did try rounding them up, but that was of course an excercise in futility. After a few minutes we heard the fire trucks in the distance and got the Hell outta there.

By moring the escapees had been caught, seems there was a fruit and vegetable vendor a couple of blocks over who mistakenly left a window open. It didn’t take long before their noses led the way.

The evidence we accrued was delivered “anonymously”. That combined with the accounts of what the Fire Fighters saw and the mysterious appearence of the furry, fruit bandits, the “company” conceded and came to an agreement.

A gag order was put in place, several millions in fines as well as several million more donated to “non-animal testing research” facilities was ordered. In the end the company hung a few execs out to dry and cleaned up their act.

We moved on to other “capers” for a time but eventualy some of us moved on to other things over the years. I kept touch with some for awhile. “Mad Mike” the leader of the “hit team” I belonged to had moved up North at one point.

By Up North I mean he went WAY up North and started terrorizing “Seal Clubbers” I wish I still had the pictures he sent me.

Imagine a 6 foot 6 penguine, Mike, leading a band of other penguins of various heghts, all above 5 foot, chasing a bunch of grown men across the snow and ice with “Cricket Bats” !


[pictured: police sketch of "Mad Mike"]


I of course cannot give any details whatsover, though I soooo wish I could


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About William

Just a Blogger with too much time to kill. Ranting and Raving about whatever is on my mind when I sit down to type. Politics, Religion, Social issues even Personal crap..errr ...Revelations at times.

2 responses to “Monkey Shines”

  1. fringewalk says :

    Poor monkeys 😦 Good for you! And funny, Viva Mike!
    Animal testing conflicts me. Ultimately, i believe that all life is sacred and it DOES NOT sit well to use it for our own ends.
    However, if my son had some kind of disease that animal testing had provided the cure for, i wouldn’t think twice.
    I dunno what the answer is 😦

    • William says :

      A few things way , WAY back. But mostly it’s pointless anymore.

      Cosmetics especially. They used to rub lipstick an a rabbits ass to test for potential cancer.

      Womens lips = rabbits ass?

      What kinda women did those guys date?

Werdz Go Heer

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