Yup I screwd myself
Kind of a bitch post but with a couple of over-all reasons
My baby girls mother is dying, as in total kidney shutdown from the leukemia. It’s a matter of weeks if not days, even the Doc’s can’t give a better timeline with all the other things failing.
Anyway, I brought up a couple of times here an argument with a Homophobic so-called Christian on her Facebook page when she posted an anti-gay-bashing poster. This guy is from her Church and a close friend of her mother I hear.
Well it got rather heated rather fast when he immediately started making personal attacks on me. I did refrain from getting into that mud-fest for the most part and simply made observations of his character based on what he Said, not what I have heard of him personally.
Unfortunately, she now no longer wants anything to do with me because of it. I heard from a third party that her Mother came down on her over my “disrespectful, loud mouth crap” as it was relayed to me. You would have to know the woman to understand why she would jump down her sick and dying daughters throat to defend this human filth.
Hatred for me was only a Small factor on this particular occasion. In that sorry excuse for a Mothers eyes I’m poor white trash. Which I am, but I’m High Class White Trash and friggin Proud of it. This incident though was more about “making the family look bad” in the eyes of that Homophobe who happens to have a social standing in that Church.
So now, someone I love very much, though I sometimes wonder WHY but that’s a-whole-nuther story, is about to die and threw me out of her life for not only defending whats just plain Right but also for defending Myself. At NO time did she tell me to back off and she was aware of when it started getting overboard, I’m told she was following the whole thing, so I feel NO guilt over my actions. In fact when his attacks began and I engeged I contacted her and she said she was fine with it.
I’m not slamming her here, so please don’t get that impression. I understand the pressure she’s under, it’s horribly Wrong but there’s nothing for it under the circumstances. Her Mother has temporary custody of our baby and her Son because she is too sick to attend them. This is used as leverage by her “Mother” stretching the word, to get her to at least Pretend to act the way she wants. Unfortunately the anger toward me is Real though.
I’m bringing this up for three reasons. First is that this Blog is my therapy in a way. I don’t do the shrink thing, it never works and I’ve actually caused two to quit and one to be fired. Somehow spilling my problems on these virtual pages seems to help me somehow. I’m not a basket case, I’m just prone to bad reactions to stress if I hold it all in too long.
The second reason I’m going on about this is I know Alot of people have some pretty messed up things happen and then lose someone before it can be repaired. Theres a chance, a Very small chance she’ll speak to me again before the end but I don’t think so and there is not time to repair all the damage that has occurred. No matter what there will be serious unresolved issues to live with.
I know I’m not alone in this, different scenarios for different people but same problem. When your last words are definitely not I Love You, it’s hell. I’ve been here before. I lost someone right after a fight years ago and I became suicidal over it. That one was murdered that very night which led to some very long weeks spent with investigators up my ass 24/7.The suicidal thing came after, I didn’t have Time to think for the first couple of weeks.
So who knows, maybe someone will trip across this post and think to themselves “well Hell, if this idiot can live with it, so can I” It’s happened a few times here before and I’m glad sharing my problems sometimes helps other thru theirs.
The third reason is, I’m losing Alot for my convictions and I would still do it again. I don’t fight everytime, sometimes there is just no point but in this case there was. A few people contacted me to tell me what an embarrassment to their Faith that so-called Christian is.
I call that a win, not because they sided with me but because they felt the need to explain that “his kind” as one said, are an embarrassment and an abomination. His Hate speech inspired more than one sermon on the subject of Christian Love and Tolerance today.
I lose, badly on this, but tolerance and enlightenment had a small yet significant win today. Thats good enough for me, it has to be.